We're having two birthday parties in one this week at the Kinton house. Chaos does not begin to describe things around here.

Zeb has just turned four years old and Taylor Rose will be two. I am not exaggerating when I tell you I have planned events for the entire City of Knoxville and its surrounding counties that did not require the amount of moxy I have had to muster up for this.

I already had to put it off because we're in a triple-digit heat wave, I threw out my back, the clutch went out in the truck, my gym went out of business and my grandmother died. Now, two days before the blessed event, this major wind blows through and takes out literally every tree in our front yard.

If you've seen the movie, "The Lorax," our yard looks like the outskirts of that town - you know where no living thing could live? I've already been thinking about ways to make dead trees and stumps look more inviting and less like a scene from a horror movie. Maybe some balloons? Streamers?

I thought I had a cute theme all planned out. I was going to do everything Dora and Diego - I even planned to get a piсata. I already bought the candy.

I always try to do a theme that offers something for a boy and something for a girl but also something that goes together so it's cute, you know? Last year I did Mickey and Minnie Mouse. Well this year I pitched my Dora and Diego idea and even the two-year-old was against it. She wanted a fairy cake.

"Sissy! No fairies!" screamed Zeb. He furrowed his brow and crossed his arms before leaning in to give her a cold stare eyeball to eyeball for added effect.

Zeb wanted a cake with horses on it.

"Bub! Get out of my face!" Taylor hissed, leaning in for equally added effect.

I got two cakes.

So far, my Dora-and-Diego-themed party with a candy-fattened piсata beneath the shade trees has turned into one horse cake and one fairy cake melting in the 100 degree heat beneath the shade of nothing - maybe a few balloons?

Meanwhile, I've got a military-like strategy to get every room in the house clean. Keep in mind this isn't just about cleaning - it's also about keeping it clean until the party. I've had to choose which rooms to clean and when to clean them very carefully...

I also have not bought groceries yet. That is not an accident. I have to wait until the night before the party or not only will the cakes be nibbled but there will be no chips or ice cream left for the guests!

Don't get me started on the slinking around I've had to do to buy the kids' presents (while they were with me in the store!) and then get them hidden in the house. I have used code words on the phone and in person; I have put things in other peoples' carts. You would not believe the lengths to which us moms will go for a birthday surprise.

Taylor is getting a spring horse. I got lucky and was able to order it online. It was shipped to the local store, where it awaits pick up. However, since I am NEVER without the children, I have been patiently waiting to slip out after they go to sleep and their father is home, that is until the truck died. Will a spring horse fit into the back of a Ford Escape? Can you tie one to the roof of a Ford Escape? How far can a mom, who hasn't been to the gym in a while, carry a spring horse on her back?

Next year I think I might plan a vacation during birthday season. I don't mean a family vacation. I mean a mom-only vacation. I mean I did all the work having them right? They should be giving me a party!

Melissa Kinton is a stay-at-home mom. She is currently rearing one son, one daughter, two cats, two horses, three dogs and one husband. She may be reached at willandmelissak@hotmail.com.